It was 6 months, 2 weeks and 3 days and it still hurt, I think the pain felt deeper. Falling asleep felt like a curse, he plagued her mind even in her dreams. The conversations, messages, and the break-up were memories she lived through every day. She wanted a pill, like in Homecoming (the Netflix show), you know the one the soldiers were prescribedthat made them forget everything about the war. Does a pill like that exist? Iwant it.
I wish she were the only client who asked for such apill, but sadly not. Trauma caused by a broken relationship are one the toughest traumas to move past. This difficultyisnot something you can shake off, get over, or a sign of immaturity. It is asevere break down in one’s emotional functioning, and sometimes leads tosymptoms similar to post-traumatic stress disorder. Post-traumatic relationship stress can becharacterized by obsessions, nightmares, distrust, flashbacks, changes inappetite and weight and sexual promiscuity. However, there are ways one cancope with the stress of the end of a relationship.
Obsessing– this is something most of do after a breakup. However, constantly thinking about the relationship and what could have been unhealthy. Trying to find situations that could be characterized with better, or reacted to differently. Very often these symptoms are aggravated because of a poor self-concept, self-blame, and self-judgment, People fine comb their relationship looking for reasons to blame themselves hoping they can fix it.
you cope with obsessing?
The most effective tool to cope with obsessing
and over thinking is to constantly bring yourself back to the present – here
and now, be mindful. Bring yourself back to the present by asking these 5
questions – identify 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you
feel, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste. This engages all your
senses and allows you to focus on the present, thereby ensuring you will
neither fixate on the past nor daydream about the future.
Familiar Situations – Very often a break-up triggers memories and associations you
never knew existed, everything reminds you of the person, a donut shop or a
coffee house. You find yourself reacting negatively to things you used to do
with your ex. Watching lovers do things you used to do with your ex may cause
strong hostile reactions.
Distrust – relationships in which there was distrust
in the form of abuse (physical/ emotional/ financial), cheating, threats,
chronic lying, or narcissism often leaves the person emotionally disturbed. This
often causes a heightened sense of suspicion and their ability to ever trust
again is hampered.
How do you
break free from old patterns?
You begin by not taking any blame or responsibility if your partner cheated. It is common for us to internalize feelings of rejection because as individuals we tend to take responsibility for the actions of others. Our immediate reaction to such situations is to “change” – change the way we look, tolerate bad behaviour and change who we are. This is the least helpful kind of change. In such a situation it is important to
Go on a vacation – going on a busy vacation trick the mind into believing a lot of time has passed thus allowing us to heal quickly. Try visiting a new place that has a lot of activities that can keep you engaged through the day. Breaking away from the daily routine and sites allows us to return with clarity.
Learn a new skill – spend some time investing in you. Learn a new skill or take up a new hobby, it’s a great way to engage your mind and if you’re good at the skill it will help restore confidence.
Connect with old friends and make new ones – connectingwith old friends creates a safe and supportive environment but it is alsoequally important to break away from old patterns and meet new people. Thiswill remind you and give you courage to trust again and break down the walls ofemotional betrayal.
Catharsis from the Sub-conscious
Nightmares – this is our subconscious mind exposing our vulnerability to the situation. Often these night terrors depict harm and hostile situations with the ex that leaves us with cold sweats and an uncomfortablenauseating feeling in the morning.
Flashbacks – repeatedly reliving memories with absolute clarity like it just happened. This may take the form of auditory or visual hallucinations, in certain situations, it can get specific to reliving the smell. A flashback may be temporary and you may maintain some connection with the present moment or you may lose all awareness of what’s going on around you, being taken completely back to your traumatic event.
How do you train the subconscious mind?
effective way to cope with this is through catharsis. Maintain a journal where
you spend 15 minutes writing out your thoughts, but do not go back and read it.
This allows you to unload, express freely, and often let go.
Flashbacks are often caused by a trigger it could be a word, smell or a situation. It is important for you to identify the trigger and work through it. You can either limit your exposure to these triggers, if that is not possible (which is often the case) you can devise coping strategies. Effective coping strategies include deep breathing, reconditioning the trigger with a new emotion and gradual exposure to it.
Appetite/ Weight – appetite is a good indicator of your emotions, and rapidly
gaining or losing weight can be a sign something is wrong.
Sleep – sleep cycles change, we tend to either
sleep too much or too little. We either enter an escapist mode where we sleep
too much because facing reality becomes too difficult or falling asleep becomes
too difficult because of our anxious mind.
Sexual promiscuity – irresponsible and
excessive indulgence in sex with multiple partners creates the temporary
illusion of being free. However, this has long-term psychological effects and
often puts one in a dangerous situation.
How do you initiate and maintain healthy behaviours?
While most people choose to consume copious amounts of alcohol post a breakup, it’s better to stay away from the bottle. Monitoring alcohol intake ensures clarity of thought, responsible decisions and better sleep. The basics need to be in place; a healthy diet where you eat every 3 hours, a reduced intake of caffeine and digital detox. Have a fixed day and night routine that helps condition better productivity and sleep. Try having a heavy meal, a shower and listen to a meditative track before you sleep. This ensures you are focusing on yourself, and your healing.
Break-ups are never easy; ending a traumatic relationship is causes significant emotional distress. It requires time, and direction for one to truly heal from a broken relationship. It’s never the duration of the relationship that matters, but the intensity of emotion experienced in it. It is important to find healthy ways to cope with the loss a relationship, and speaking to someone always helps! Invest in yourself.